Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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