I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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