Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Sorry about my life...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
