I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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