I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
