I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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