I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
