I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
