im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
