So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
