so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
