His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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