Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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