Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I faked an abortion last night.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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