Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
