I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
