look no pants
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
