i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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