decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
