I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
