Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
