You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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