I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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