I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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