I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
