I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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