so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
