How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
