I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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