Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
