My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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