when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
