I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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