Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she looked like the before picture.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
