I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
