Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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