you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
