Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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