2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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