My brain says no but my pants say off.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
