I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
