Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
