recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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