That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
