eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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