you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Bring me that man meat
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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