I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
