he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
