here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
