I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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