The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
