Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
