if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
