Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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