Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
