just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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