I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
