If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
